


a thousand silhouettes dancing on my chest

by ideservetobeloved



Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, Tiny Meat Gang (Band)
Genre: 50th Hunger Games, Hunger Games AU, M/M, Mostly Canon Compliant, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Protective Siblings, Slow Burn, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:28:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23144692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ideservetobeloved/pseuds/ideservetobeloved
Summary: “How many times is your name in there now?”“48.”Noel keeps his eyes on the scratched surface of the kitchen table as he answers. “It's gonna be alright, dad”, he says quietly, “it always has been."
Relationships: Cody Ko & Noel Miller, Cody Ko/Noel Miller
Comments: 63
Kudos: 91





	1. while the waiting for erasure

**Author's Note:**

> i honestly don't know what's going on with me, i don't write anything for like two years and then i get the biggest inspiration boost..... my gf and i have been rewatching the hunger games movies and it totally sparked my hunger games obsession again, which i'm not quite sure is a good thing yet.
> 
> i have super big plans for this one, i have everything planned out in my head but i honestly can't promise i will be able to go through with it and not just lose inspiration again next week. i should probably wait to post this until i am completely finished to avoid that, but i crave validation.
> 
> the fic title is from 'silhouettes' by of monsters and men and the title of the first chapter from 'cepheus' by fewjar

“This year, as a reminder that for every one Capitol citizen, two rebels died in the Rebellion, there shall be twice the number of regular tributes chosen this year for the 50th annual Hunger Games, the second Quarter Quell”, President Snow's voice sounds from the small grainy television propped up on a stack of books.

Noel casts a glance at Libbie, sitting next to him on the couch. Her face betrays no emotion, it looks like it has been cast in stone. She and Noel are the only ones affected by this, the only ones actually watching. The twins are sitting at their feet, watching the screen, too young to know what's actually going on but aware enough of the tense atmosphere encompassing the room to keep quiet. Gabriel is sitting on his lap, softly babbling away while he is playing with Noel's hand. Their father is still in the mines, probably watching the TV as intently as Noel and Libbie right now.

“You don't have to worry, Lib”, he quietly reassures her, “your name is only in there like, what? Three times? The chance that you're gonna get picked is like... 0.1 per cent or something. It being twice as many tributes doesn't change that.”

Her head whips around, shooting an ice cold look in his direction. “It's not me I'm worried about, dumbass”, she hisses and abruptly gets off the couch, flipping her unruly dark curls over her shoulder. His eyes stubbornly fixed on the television, he hears her angry steps moving out of the room and a couple of seconds later the door to the room she shares with the twins slamming shut.

On the flickering screen the scene has changed to Caesar Flickerman in front of a studio audience, talking about the new revelations for the Quarter Quell. The bright orange Caesar has chosen for his new look this year stings Noel's eyes when he looks at it directly.

He sighs and looks down. Mikaela and Julija are looking up at him with wide eyes, the two-year-old on his lap still obliviously crooning to himself. “Is Libbie mad?”, Julija whispers as if she doesn't want her big sister to hear her. “It's alright”, Noel stage whispers back, winking at her, “she's just having one of her moments again.” He clears his throat, trying to swallow down the huge lump in it that's making it hard to breathe.

“So, what was it you wanted to show me before? Mika, you said you drew me something in school today?”

~

“How many times is your name in there now?”

“48.”

Noel keeps his eyes on the scratched surface of the kitchen table as he answers. It's silent for a few minutes, the sound of his father's chewing the only thing audible, bread crumbs falling down onto his plate every now and then. Noel peeks up at him and can't help but frown as he studies the lines that years and years of working in the mines have carved into his father's face, now even more deepened by worry.

“It's gonna be alright, dad”, he says quietly, “it always has been. Many people have their name just as many times in the balls and they haven't been chosen.”

His father shakes his head. “And many people have their name in there once and get chosen anyways. You don't know anything about how this is gonna turn out.”

An unexpected, frightening rage bubbles up in Noel's throat as he feels his eyes fill with frustrated tears, the tense anticipation and stress of the day tugging at his nerves. “What do you want me to do?”, he blurts out as he angrily wipes at his eyes, mad at his own body for betraying him. “What _should_ I have done? Let Libbie put her name in more times? Not apply for tesserae at all and let everyone starve? Why are you acting like this is my fault?”

A sudden hand on his arm startles him and he looks up. His father's green eyes that resemble his own so much are dark with concern and resignation. “I know that”, he mutters, “I know. I'm sorry. You have done everything you could for this family, and more. I'm so proud of you, son.” He takes a deep breath. “I just don't... It would be my fault if... I'm not sure what I would do if you...” His voice trails off and he retracts his hand, instead raising it to his face and scrubbing at his tired eyes.

Noel bites his tongue and averts his eyes again. He isn't even angry anymore, just tired. So, so tired. Too tired to wonder about the _It would be my fault._ “I'm going to bed”, he mumbles. “Big day tomorrow.”

As he leaves the table he fights the urge to turn back and hug his dad, reassure him, do _something_ that wouldn't leave this situation hanging in the air, unresolved and strained. But what good would it do him? He wouldn't even know where to start. The Miller family has never been one for healthy communication. So he doesn't turn around.

Slowly, making an effort to be as quiet as possible, he opens the door to the girls' room. The twins are sound asleep, Mikaela softly snoring and Julijas mouth hanging wide open. As he turns around to leave again, he's confronted with a dark pair of eyes watching him in the pale moonlight coming in through the frayed curtains.

He sighs and sits down at the edge of Libbie's bed, softly patting her ankle that's poking out under the blanket. Neither of them says anything for a long time, silently observing each other.

“Are you okay?”, Noel finally breaks the silence. Libbie huffs, irritated. “Of course I'm okay. Are you?” He doesn't say anything, caught off guard by her question. Is he? He doesn't know.

“I don't know”, he whispers, “I'm worried about you.”

“But aren't you worried about yourself? Like, at all? You said it yourself, my name is in there three times. That's nothing.” She takes a shaky breath and when she speaks again, Noel can hear her voice is thick with unshed tears.

“ _I'm_ worried about you. I'm worried every single year, every single day. You always do so much and you never let me help.” She pauses. “You know, I'm not completely useless. This is your last year and what are we going to do after that? We won't have enough food anymore, so I'll need to sign up for tesserae anyways. You can't keep me safe forever.”

He is silent for a long time, absentmindedly stroking her leg over the covers. “I know”, he finally concedes, “I guess I just... I guess I just don't like the feeling that I can't protect you. Or them.” He gestures over to the sleeping bodies of their baby sisters. “They're gonna have to participate in two years as well, and then there's gonna be three of you I can't protect. It's... scary.”

The bed-sheets rustle as Libbie sits up and takes his hand. “I know it's scary”, she says, “but you have to let go at some point. Maybe tomorrow you'll be chosen, and then you can't protect us anyways. We need to learn how to do that ourselves.”

“I _am_ scared for myself”, Noel mutters after another long pause, “I just try not to think about it because if I focused on it too much, I think it would be... I don't think I could handle it.”

“I get that.” Noel looks up from where he has been fiddling with Libbie's fingers in an effort to busy his hands and is met with an expression way too somber to be on the face of a fourteen-year-old girl. “It's gonna be fine”, she assures him. When have their roles switched like this? Since when is his little sister the strong one?

“Who knew”, Noel says with a half-smirk on his lips, “sometimes you can be actually bearable? Never would have thought.”

When she smiles and lightly punches his arm, for a second he feels like he actually believes her. It is gonna be fine, after all. It always is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a quick note: as i've mentioned before, my feelings towards rpf for tmg are... very conflicted, which is why i've chosen not to include any real family members, should they even be known to the public, which i honestly don't know. the only reason i'm using cody and noel for this is because they inspire me and i think the concept of a tmg hunger games au is super cool but it would feel very invasive to include people who have not consented to marketing their personal lives on the internet.


	2. as the angel cried for the slaughter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a quick note: i decided to write the story in present tense instead of past tense because it just comes more naturally to me, and i changed it in the first chapter as well, so don't think i just fucked up completely by writing this in present tense lol
> 
> also, i changed the title of the first chapter because i felt like 'abraham's daughter' by arcade fire was more fitting for the second one.

“Hey, grain-boy!”, Noel hears a voice behind him. As he turns around he sees a dark curly head bouncing up and down, pushing through the crowd of people making their way down the street. He smiles and rolls his eyes slightly. “You can go ahead”, he assures Libbie as he adjusts Gabriel's position on his his hip. “Just try to find Aunt Marian when you're there, she's gonna take care of Mika and Julija, okay?”

“Libbie! The love of my life”, a boy about two years younger than Noel exclaims as he stops beside him, not the slightest bit out of breath from his endeavor. “Hi, Haymitch”, Libbie says, annoyed, but without any real edge in her voice. “Bye, Haymitch”, she ostentatiously calls out over her shoulder as she grabs each twin by one hand, ushering them along the narrow cobbled street.

“How you doin', Miller?” Haymitch asks Noel as he strokes Gabriel's head affectionately, “he's getting big, isn't he? Wow, you're such a big boy already Gabe, I can't believe you're almost as tall as me!” Gabriel giggles as Haymitch pinches his cheeks and plants a smacking kiss on his head that's already just as curled and unruly as that of his big brother.

Noel smiles at the sight. Although he doesn't have a strong bond with Haymitch, it's always nice to see him and catch up every now and then. The other boy is nimble and smart, but also scrawny and not very strong, although that's starting to change, Noel thinks as he notices new, wiry muscles under the short sleeves of his dress shirt. Puberty has done him good so far.

In elementary school, some of the older boys from Noel's year had been picking on the then much smaller boy and Noel showed them to rather mess with people their own size. Ever since then, they haven't been... friends, exactly, because with Haymitch's parents both working for the Mayor and Noel's father being a coal miner their social circles haven't been overlapping a lot, but they are loose acquaintances, always up for a friendly chat whenever they happen to run into each other.

As they are steadily moving towards the Justice Building, Noel recognizes more and more familiar faces in the little groups of people consorting in front of the peacekeeper-manned stations where they will have to sign in in a couple minutes. After Haymitch and he have caught up on each other's lives for a bit, he sets out to find his aunt so she will take Gabriel off his hands for the duration of the Reaping. His father is probably somewhere around here as well, but because he already had to work this morning, he came directly from the mines and not together with them.

Finally, he identifies the sleek dark hairdo of his aunt, crouched down at the sidelines of the roped-off areas for the families of the potential tributes, trying to calm down a crying Julija, with Mikaela hanging off her arm like it was a lifeline. Quickly, Noel makes his way over there. The Reaping is going to start soon and he really doesn't want to get punished for being too late.

“What's going on?”, he asks when he reaches the little group, acknowledging Marian with a polite nod. Their relationship is still a bit strained, but Noel is trying to improve that. He knows he's being unfair. She stands up and straightens her dress, looking close to tears herself. It always seems peculiar to Noel that she spends so much time with the little ones and still she is still just as clumsy in caring for them as she was before her sister died.

“She won't stop crying”, she says, her voice so faint Noel has to strain his ears to even understand her. Without a word, he pushes Gabriel into her arms and gets down on his knees so he can take Julija's hands in his own.

“I don't want them to take you”, she whines, “Nelly said they would take you!” “Nelly doesn't know what she's talking about”, Noel reassures her, “nobody is going to get taken, okay? It's just gonna be like last time, you'll have to stand around for a bit and be quiet and then after the ceremony is over we'll go home, right?” He leans over and whispers in her hear, “Don't tell dad, but I got some pretzel rolls yesterday for you and Mika, they're almost fresh! That's gonna be exciting, isn't it?”

As he gets back up again, Julija is still sniffling a bit, but the sobbing has subsided and she allows Marian to take her hand as she buries her face in the woman's skirt. Noel runs his hand over his face and tries to compose himself. Why can nothing ever be easy?

Just then, the announcement rings out that all teenagers from the ages twelve to eighteen have to get together to queue up for the sign-in. After another quick glance to make sure everything is okay with his sisters, Noel makes his way over to the stations.

Just as he's handing the Peacekeeper his finger to take a blood sample, he recognizes his father's face in the parents' sector, grimy with coal dust from the mines. As he's being guided to the section for the eighteen-year-olds, he tries to catch his eye, but his father sternly keeps his gaze fixed on the stage in front of the Justice Building. He looks... worried, almost panicked.

The grim, out of place look on his father's face is quickly forgotten, however, when Noel spots his best friend Chock's face in the crowd of young adults. He's talking to Mistie, who has been his ride-or-die crush since they were twelve years old, his face a similar shade of red to his hair. Noel hangs back, wanting to witness the train-wreck this interaction is bound to be. Mistie kind of looks like the dirt under her shiny white Reaping shoes has just risen up and begun talking to her. As expected, it isn't long before she gives Chock a vaguely disgusted look, throws her sleek blonde hair over her shoulder and walks over to her equally blonde girl friends.

“Dude”, Noel greets his friend with a smirk as he lets his left hand fall down on Chock's shoulder from behind, offering the other for a handshake, “when are you gonna learn? Merchant daughters have better things to do than hang around with a fool like you. Just forget it, she's _way_ out of your league.”

Chock turns around and accepts Noel's outstretched hand with a firm squeeze. With a yearning look in his eyes he sighs in resignation. “I know”, he mumbles, “doesn't mean I'm gonna stop trying though.”

Noel shakes his head. “You're hopeless, Chock”, he chuckles, the laughter bubbling up in his throat a welcome distraction from the overwhelming, inexplicable sense of impending doom that has been consuming his senses the entire morning.

They exchange a few more teasing remarks with each other before District 12's escort Ajax enters the stage and the crowd around them quiets down. Orange must be very _in_ this year, Noel thinks as he remembers the hideous neon hairdo on Caesar Flickerman that caught his eyes the day before while watching the Quarter Quell announcement. Ajax was very clearly inspired by this, an incredibly large orange wig on his head that almost triples it in size.

After the mayor's usual introductory words, he begins reading the traditional propaganda script that has been undoubtedly cooked up by the Capitol about the Dark Days and the implementation of the Hunger Games to keep the Districts' citizens in check. After eighteen years of listening to the same bullshit every single time, Noel could probably recite the words from memory if he wanted to.

The big screens on either side of the stage flicker to life once the mayor is done and has introduced Ajax, the cameras capturing generic filler footage of the nervous District 12 citizens in front of the stage.

“As always... Ladies first”, Ajax' voice sounds from the speakers, unpleasantly loud in the tense silence that hangs over the town square. In the weird tread that seems inherent to the Capitol citizens, he shuffles over to the shiny glass ball on the right side of the stage.

His gloved hand rummages around for a bit, probably more for show than actual indecisiveness. Finally, he pulls out a little square piece of paper and holds it up triumphantly. He shuffles back to the microphone and unfolds it.

“The first female tribute for District 12 is... Maysilee Donner”, it echoes over the quiet mass of people.

In the section for the sixteen-year-olds there is a loud outcry and after a second of roaming over children's heads, the camera locates a blond girl that Noel recognizes as the daughter of the owners of a sweet shop his mother used to take him for treats sometimes when he was younger. She has to be the chosen tribute.

Two girls, one the spitting image of Maysilee and another one that Noel doesn't recognize, cling to her, both crying and sobbing. As Maysilee eventually makes her way to the stage, head held up high and a stone cold expression on her face, despite the tears streaming down her cheeks, Noel averts his eyes from the screen. He doesn't want to watch this.

Ajax claps his hands together in front of his chest, a big smile on his face. Noel feels like he is going to be sick. “Splendid”, Ajax calls out, the drawling Capitol accent making the word sound ridiculous. “And now... For the boys.”

He walks over to the boys' ball, his hand emerging with yet another square piece of paper clasped in them. Noel is actually feeling nauseous now.

“Noel Miller!”

The words ring in his ears, bouncing off the walls of his skull. The people standing beside him retreat, leaving him all alone and exposed to the cameras.

Chock's sweaty face fills his vision, pale as a ghost, tugging his arm. His lips are moving but there are no words coming out of them.

“No!”

A scream rings from behind him and as he turns around, he sees Libbie burst out from the crowd, quickly caught in the arms of a uniformed Peacekeeper. She hangs over his shoulder, thrashing and kicking, her face wet with tears.

Noel still doesn't entirely know what's happening, but he watches himself mechanically walk through the sea of people separating in front of him and up the steps to the stage. He feels weirdly detached, almost as if he is able to see his body from an outside perspective.

So, this is it. This is the end.

Ajax is already making his way over to the girls' ball again. Noel feels like he is under water. All the sounds blur into one another and his vision is starting to become hazy.

Then, Ajax' voice cuts through the chaos in his head, crisp and clear, speaking the words that end Noel's world forever.

“The second female tribute of District 12... Libbie Miller!”


	3. an empty space between my lungs

The rest of the ceremony goes by in a haze, the only thing that gets through Noel's dazed senses is that Haymitch is chosen as well. He closes his eyes for a second. The odds have never been less in his favor.

As Haymitch climbs up the steps to the stage, now looking every bit the small, scrawny, scared little boy Noel remembers from elementary school, their eyes meet and Noel looks away quickly. The other's red-rimmed eyes full of desperation make him painfully aware of the situation he's in right now, and he can't afford that. He also refuses to look to his left, where he knows his little sister is standing, scared he'll break down the second he catches sight of her.

It's only after the Peacekeepers have escorted him to an empty room inside the Justice Building, presumably where he is supposed to say goodbye to his family, that he allows himself to let go, even just for a second.

He sinks to his knees when the door closes behind him and covers his ears, his forehead pressed against the luxurious carpet that is undoubtedly more expensive than his family's entire house. A wet, choked sound escapes him and when he takes a deep breath, the smell of luxury and faint dust fills his nose, overwhelming his senses.

When the world stops spinning for a bit, he painstakingly gets up and tries to compose himself again. He remembers that someone is probably coming to visit him soon, and he absolutely cannot let anyone see him this way. He has to be strong. For his father, for his siblings. For Libbie.

He catches his reflection out of the corner of his eye in a small, gold-framed mirror hanging over the gigantic fireplace. His hair is tangled, his face blood-less and his eyes wide and shiny, almost as if he has a fever. Taking a deep breath and forcing himself to keep it together, he takes a seat on one of the two velvet couches sitting in the center of the room. It feels stiff and formal, and he swallows down the indescribable fear rising in his throat.

Finally, after what feels like two hours but could have easily been only a couple of minutes, the big, palace-like door opens and Chock stumbles into the room. Noel rises and for a few painful seconds they just stand there and look at each other.

He takes a step forward and there is so much he wants to say but his vocal chords don't seem to work anymore and all of a sudden he's getting choked up and _no_ , there's _no_ way he's going to start _crying_ right now, and then Chock throws his arms around him, pulling him in for a hug and a strangled sob breaks out of him. Noel doesn't know if they have ever hugged each other before.

“I will take care of them”, Chock whispers in his ear, “I'll try. They won't starve.”

Noel nods. He doesn't say what they're both thinking, that Chock's family with seven children, a sick mother and a dead father is barely able to get by themselves, even without three additional kids leeching off them. It doesn't matter either way.

At some point, Chock starts talking, just about trivial, meaningless things. Something his sister did this morning to make him laugh. His conversation with Mistie earlier and how he thinks he might have a shot with her after all. A rude customer at the Hob who tried to haggle over a couple of eggs that Chock was selling from the few scraggy chickens his family keeps.

It's exactly what Noel needs right now, so he listens and feels so grateful for his best friend he could cry.

All too fast their time is up and a Peacekeeper orders Chock out of the door. As Noel watches his fire-red head disappear around the corner and the door closes, he knows they will never see each other again.

Next up is his family, they probably went to see Libbie first. Of course they didn't put Noel and Libbie in a room together, that would have been more kindness than they could expect from the Capitol.

Weirdly, his father is not there, but Noel doesn't even have time to wonder about that, because the second the door opens again Julija and Mika come running to him and cling to his hips, their little faces wet with tears.

Their aunt follows, a wide-eyed and confused Gabriel in her arms and a somber, pained expression on her face. He catches her eye and she nods slowly, a silent understanding passing between them despite the fact that they might not always be on the same page. He knows she will take care of them.

They don't talk much during the time that is given to them. What would they say? There's nothing Noel can say to make this better. There's nothing he can say to help them survive when he is gone. They just have to keep on living, listen to their dad, stay with their aunt when they're not in school, try to make the most of the meager rations that are still left from Noel's tesserae.

So he just stays seated on the couch, stroking his little sisters' heads that are lying in his lap until their sobbing has faded to a light sniveling and rocking his baby brother in his arms, mumbling empty reassuring phrases that become meaningless after a while.

He is painfully aware that this is the last time he's going to have this. The last time he gets to poke Gabriel's rosy cheeks to make him laugh. The last time he gets to feel Julija's soft curls between his fingers. The last time he gets to pinch Mika's nose so that she scrunches up her face in annoyance and sticks her tongue out at him.

He wants to savor every bit of it but their time is up so quickly again and as the Peacekeepers take them away the twins start screaming and Gabriel starts crying too, overwhelmed by all the emotions flaring up around him. Panic bubbles up in Noel's throat as he thinks of losing them forever and it takes every ounce of self-control he has to smile reassuringly at his siblings and tell them not to worry. He feels a little sick as the door closes and he is alone once more.

Almost immediately, it is thrown open again and his father comes in. Noel notices that he looks like he's been crying.

The only other time he has ever seen his dad cry was when he came home from the Hob one day about a year ago to his father sitting at the kitchen table with his head in his hands, silent tears falling onto the worn wooden surface in steady drops.

His father didn't even acknowledge his presence, and Noel had to find out from a sobbing Libbie that their mother had been found dead. They said it had been a horrible accident, but Noel knew better.

His mother was just as aware as everyone else living in the Seam that the electric fence surrounding all of District 12 was only active for a couple of hours each day, and she knew how to listen for the quiet hum of flowing electricity before coming anywhere near the fence. No. If she had touched it and been electrocuted by it, it had been on purpose.

Noel is reminded of that day, the worst day of his life, when his father stumbles into the room, the thin layer of coal dust that never seems to leave his face streaked with tears. He gets up from the couch and before he can say anything, he is pulled into a bone-crushing hug.

With his ear pressed to his father's chest, Noel can feel quiet sobs going through his body in little tremors.

“Why did you not come in with the others?”, Noel asks against the dirty uniform that smells like coal and sweat. He is shocked at how small and feeble his voice sounds.

His father lets go and takes a step back, but keeps his hands on Noel's shoulders. “I'm sorry, son”, he whispers, his eyes glistening.

“I want you to have this coin”, he says as he reaches his hand into his pocket and retrieves something, takes Noel's left hand in his and slips it in. When Noel opens his hand, there's a small, folded scrap of paper and a silver coin in it.

He looks up at his father, his head swimming with questions, but his father's eyes have a never before seen intensity about them that makes him swallow down the words before they even make their way up his throat. Instead, he takes the coin into his right and closes the fingers of his left over the paper.

It doesn't look like any coin that Noel has ever seen before, it's a little bigger than the ones they get as pay for his father's work at the mines. It's also made from silver and not copper. The engraving is almost beyond recognition but Noel can recognize the faint outline of a person's profile on one side and some sort of cross on the other side.

“What is it?”, he asks, trying not to sound too suspicious. The paper in his left hand seems to be burning a hole into his skin and he's itching to look at it.

“You're allowed to take a token from your district into the arena, remember? I want you to take this. It's been passed down in my family for generations.” He pauses. “It's from before.”

“Before what?”

“Before everything. Before Panem even existed. It was used as currency.”

Noel looks down at the inconspicuous coin in his hand. “It must be very old.”

His father nods absentmindedly, his eyes darting from the door to the towering windows that let in the afternoon sun and back. “I need to go”, he mutters and pulls Noel into another hug. With his lips almost touching Noel's ear, he whispers, “Open it in the bathroom. No cameras.”

When he pulls back, his eyes are wet again and Noel feels like crying as well. He and his father have never been particularly close, and if anything, it's gotten worse since his mom died, but right now he wants nothing more than to get back into his arms, close his eyes and forget that today eve happened.

After his father has been ordered out, Noel is escorted out of the fancy room by a few Peacekeepers. His fingers are numb from keeping them pressed closed so tightly around the piece of paper and he doesn't think he can take the uncertainty much longer.

Shortly before they reach the elevator he clears his throat and blurts out, “I need to go to the bathroom, please!”

Their little group stops dead in its tracks and Noel holds his breath. That's it. He was too suspicious, they know what he's up to, they're going to take him into questioning. He doesn't even know anything, what is he going to tell them? Will his dad get in trouble?

Some form of wordless communication passes between the Peacekeepers and they start walking again, turning left into a corridor. Noel swallows and keeps his feet moving with the utmost effort, his heart in his mouth and blood rushing in his ears.

He almost laughs out loud as they stop in front of an unremarkable door with a sign on it that says “Lavatory”.

“Make it quick”, one of the Peacekeepers grumbles and he nods hastily, way too relieved to say anything. Once he is inside the small, sparsely lit room, he makes sure to lock the door and swiftly unfolds the piece of paper.

A couple of lines, unmistakably in his father's handwriting are squeezed onto it and Noel struggles to decipher them.

_Dear Noel,_

_I'm writing this the night before the Reaping. I don't know for sure but you're probably going to get picked tomorrow, because of me._

_The Peacekeepers have suspicions of some rebel activity going on among the miners and today they pulled me out of work to tell them anything I knew. They offered me a raise if I agreed to spy on my co-workers and report it back to them._

_I refused, I'm sure you can figure out why. They told me I would regret this decision, and I know the only thing they can do that wouldn't raise suspicion is make sure you get chosen for the games._

_I just wanted to say, I'm sorry. It's all my fault. Try your best, I know you can do it._

_I love you, son, and I'm so proud of you._

_Dad_

Underneath it, there are some more words, hastily scribbled in a different ink, presumably added later.

_I didn't know they would pick Libbie, too. I'm sorry._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from 'love is mystical' by cold war kids


	4. i want to be someone else or i'll explode

Noel's heart is pounding like crazy during the entire car ride to the train station. He flushed the scrap of paper down the toilet and washed his hands for good measure so that the Peacekeepers wouldn't get suspicious, but he still feels like they _know_.

His father's words keep bouncing around in his head.

_I refused, I'm sure you can figure out why._

What did he mean by that? Is his father involved in some sort of rebel scheme? Will they try to interrogate him again? Will they do something to Noel's siblings if he keeps refusing to cooperate?

When they arrive at the train station, there are dozens of reporters pushing cameras into his face. Now he's glad he didn't actually cry, even though he probably looks pretty disheveled anyways.

Behind the car that brought him to the station, three others pull in and the other tributes get out, each accompanied by a swarm of Peacekeepers. Noel wonders briefly what they think a bunch of skinny, malnourished kids are capable of if they each have four guards to keep them in check.

He risks a quick look at the other ones. Haymitch's face is a stone-cold mask that doesn't betray any emotions, but Maysilee's eyes are puffy and red and she looks like she has been crying.

When his eyes fall on Libbie, his heart aches. She looks like she has been crying as well, her pale face is still wet with tears. He wants nothing more than to reach out and take her in his arms, but he knows that wouldn't be a very smart move right now.

As soon as the train doors close behind them, Libbie throws her skinny arms around him and starts sobbing. He clutches her and starts stroking her hair, whispering soothing nonsense into her ear.

Over her head, he meets Haymitch's eye and the other boy's mouth twists into the shadow of a sympathetic smile.

They are escorted into their respective rooms by some Capitol assistants and left alone for now. Noel can't help but marvel at the sheer luxury of his quarters. He thought District 12's Justice Building was fancy, but against this train it looks like nothing more than a rundown shack.

He takes a shower and revels in the hot water that comes out of the shower head. Whenever they want to wash themselves at home they have to boil water on the stove and fill up an old tin bathtub bit by bit. The water feels different as well, it has a smoother texture somehow, and when Noel steps out of the shower, he's never felt cleaner.

He looks through the dressers that have been provided for him and pulls on the simplest thing he can find, a loose pair of linen pants and a black t-shirt. The material is soft and pleasant on his newly scrubbed skin.

He leaves his old clothes lying on the floor because he's not sure what to do with them, but he makes sure to retrieve the coin his father gave him and put it in the pocket of his new pants.

It isn't long until Ajax lets him know he should come with him to get dinner. When they get to the dining room, a bright and open space filled with modern furniture and with expensive-looking art pieces covering the walls, Libbie, Maysilee and Haymitch are already seated around a mahogany table. On the far end of the table there are two Capitol people, recognizable by their ridiculous colorful make-up and clothing. Next to the drab District 12 children they look like gaudy peacocks.

Noel knows who they are, even though he has only ever seen them on TV: Daphne Vicario and Aelius Darwin, their Capitol-assigned mentors. In the entire history of the Hunger Games, there has only ever been one District 12 victor and he isn't alive anymore, which is why the Capitol has provided the District 12 tributes with mentors of their own ever since.

Ash Fleming won the 9th Hunger Games at eighteen years old as a broad-shouldered, blue-eyed merchant son. After three years of mentoring, he took his own life because he couldn't deal with sending two children to their death every single year until he was dead.

Two weeks later, his parents and his two little brothers were found dead in their luxury home in the Victor's Village. The official cause was carbon monoxide poisoning because of an unidentified gas leak, but no victor has ever attempted suicide since then.

The dinner that they're being served is incredible. Every single course is probably worth three yearly grain rations back in District 12, but Noel tries not to think about that as he stuffs himself with tender chicken breast and juicy oranges.

He can tell the others are feeling similarly, all of them eat until they look like they're on the brink of throwing it all up again, even though Ajax urges them to take it slow.

After dinner, they go to a different room equipped with a TV about four times bigger than the pathetic television they have at home. Here they watch the recap of the Reaping in all the different districts.

Noel feels a weird disconnect watching everything happen on the screen. He knows he will soon meet all those people and in only a couple days he will have to fight them to the death, but it still feels like he's watching them from the safety of his home. Just another year of the Hunger Games.

Most of the Reapings go by in a blur, especially because there is double the amount as usual and Noel doesn't even bother trying to remember the names.

Still, there are a couple that stand out to him. A huge, muscular guy with red hair from District 1 that lunges out to volunteer even before the name of the picked tribute is read in its entirety. A tanned, well-built but short boy from District 4 that has dark blonde hair and sparkling green eyes. When he climbs the stage, Daphne giggles and nudges Maysilee sitting next to her, asking if she thinks he's handsome.

A tiny twelve-year-old from District 7 with dark brown hair and wide brown eyes that looks like a terrified deer in the headlights as she takes her place next to District 7's escort. A girl with long black hair and caramel skin from District 10 who has a mischievous glint in her eyes and actually smiles a little bit as her name is called.

A scraggy sixteen-year-old boy from District 11 whose mother breaks down in tears as his name is called and tries to pull him back from the stage. A Peacekeeper thrusts the end of his gun into her face when she doesn't let go, and when the boy scrambles onto the stage, he's pale as a ghost underneath his dark skin and there are droplets of blood on his white dress shirt.

Noel studies himself critically when the District 12 Reaping is shown. He looks a little out of it, but overall he thinks he composed himself pretty well, considering the chaos that was going on in his head.

He averts his eyes from the screen as Libbie's name is called, not wanting to go through that experience again. She takes his cold hand and lightly squeezes it, and he squeezes back, on some level relieved to have her here with him, even though he wishes her far away at the same time.

When the Reapings are over, they sit in depressed silence for a few minutes. Experiencing the Reaping was bad enough, but having to watch it back on a huge screen, knowing that thousands of people across the country are doing the exact same thing is even worse.

Daphne and Aelius try to lighten the mood with a few jokes and then start talking about strategies and training, but it's clear that none of them are really listening, so they are sent to bed pretty quickly.

When Noel gets back to his room, he rips off his new clothes, suddenly disgusted by the very thought of having Capitol clothing touch his skin.

He wants to put on his Reaping outfit again, but discovers that someone has disposed of it. Frustrated, he gets into bed in only his underwear, the soft bed-sheets feeling like they are burning him.

After a few moments, there's a knock on the door and as it opens slowly, a pair of wide hazel eyes becomes visible in the door crack.

“I can't sleep”, his little sister whispers, barely audible, and Noel smiles sadly and motions for her to crawl into bed with him. As he tucks them both in, he thinks back to their conversation the night before. It's hard to believe that it was only one day ago, so much happened in the mean time that it feels like two weeks have passed.

At some point, his sister's breathing next to him evens out and she begins snoring lightly, but he continues to lie awake, staring into the darkness, a million thoughts racing through his mind.

It's only when the sky outside is already turning from black to gray that he falls into a restless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i didn't upload on saturday like planned, tbh i just sort of forgot because my perception of time is kinda off right now, as i'm sure you can imagine.
> 
> chapter title is from 'talk show host' by radiohead


	5. i wrap my hands around your neck so tight with love

When Noel and Libbie enter the dining room the next morning, the others are already sitting around the table. Aelius and Ajax are happily chattering away about this and that with Daphne making the occasional interjection, Haymitch nibbling grimly on a bread roll.

Maysilee, staring drearily into her bowl of cereal, looks up briefly when they come in. Her eyes are swollen red again, and now and then Noel hears her sniveling quietly. Noel and Libbie take a seat and are greeted exuberantly by the Capitol people who don't seem to be bothered in the slightest by their lack of reciprocation.

Once again faced with exorbitant amounts of more luxurious food than Noel has ever allowed himself to dream about, he loads up his plate generously, but when he starts eating, he discovers that he could as well be eating cardboard. The food seems to swell up in his mouth as he chews and he's struggling to swallow.

Still, he forces himself to gobble everything down, he needs to give his body as much nutrition as possible while he still can. Who knows when he will find food in the arena?

Even though Ajax, Aelius and Daphne seem to be doing their very best to lighten the mood with their meaningless chatter, the atmosphere is unmistakably tense. Noel feels a little pinch of satisfaction at their obvious helplessness to handle the situation when their efforts don't have the desired effect.

When everyone is done with their breakfast and a couple of Capitol servants in weird uniforms hurry to clean their used dishes off the table, Daphne gleefully claps her hands and exclaims, “Let's get down to business!”

Noel remembers that while he may despise these people, while they embody everything that is wrong with the Capitol to him, Aelius and Daphne are his only lifeline. They will be the ones to arrange sponsorships and give them tactical advice on how to survive.

Not that they have much hope for sponsors at all, coming from District 12 and having to compete for them with twice as many tributes as usual.

“I know this is a difficult time for all of you right now”, Daphne assures them.

 _Do you?_ , flashes through Noel's mind, spiteful.

“But now, more than ever, it is important that you pull yourselves together”, she directs a pointed look at Maysilee's puffy face, “because in about an hour we will reach the Capitol and there, people will be waiting to see you.

“If you don't look presentable, people won't want to sponsor you. And if none of you string beans have any showstopping tricks up your sleeves that could help you outlive your competitors then not getting sponsors means you could as well just step off of your platform prematurely when the Games start and get blown to shreds, because then you're as good as dead anyways.”

Noel shares a bewildered look with Haymitch and the other boy raises his eyebrows. Harsh words like these are the least thing he would have expected from the mouth of a loud and colorful Capitol lapdog like Daphne, but maybe this is a good thing. Maybe it means that she's actually going to be honest with them and try to help them.

She looks each of them in the eyes to make sure they understand before she continues. “So, now that we've got that out of the way, I have to ask if all of you are okay with being mentored together or does anyone want separate coaching?”

Noel clears his throat and raises his hand. “I would like to be coached alone, please”, he tries to make his voice sound like he knows what he's doing, but he doesn't know if it's actually working.

From the corner of his eye, he sees Libbie's head whip around as soon as the words leave his mouth. When he tries to shoot her a reassuring look, she turns away quickly, but not before he sees the hurt unfolding on her face.

It's for the best, he tells himself.

He averts his eyes when he sees Haymitch watching him, a calculating look on his face. Then, the boy slowly raises his hand as well and says, “I want to be coached separately, too.”

Daphne looks surprised, like it doesn't happen often that tributes don't want to be mentored together.

“Alright”, she shrugs. “I guess the best thing to do would be to to coach all of you separately, then. Is that okay with everyone?”, she asks Libbie and Maysilee.

Libbie shrugs, her eyes stubbornly fixed on the smooth wood of the table, and Maysilee nods hastily. She looks like she doesn't really know what's going on, but wants the attention of the room off of her as soon as possible.

They decide, or rather Daphne declares, that she will mentor Noel and Libbie while Aelius will take over mentoring Haymitch and Maysilee. Secretly, Noel is relieved at the decision, because as much as he doesn't like Daphne, Aelius' pale, unblinking eyes make him shiver with their emptiness and he doesn't really want to remain in his presence any longer than absolutely necessary.

After breakfast they are informed that they will be pulling into the station in about ten minutes. As the others rush to the windows that are now black as they are driving through some sort of tunnel to get the first look at the Capitol, Noel pulls Daphne aside.

“Please don't tell Libbie”, he whispers, making sure his sister is out of hearing-range, “but the reason I wanted to be mentored alone is because I'm not gonna try to survive.”

He looks Daphne in the eyes, hoping to get through the layers of golden fake lashes and bright purple contact lenses and actually get her to understand, to help him.

“I just want to bring her home. I need to bring her home. So, whatever, I don't know, prepare some mentoring for that.”

She opens her mouth to say something, but they are interrupted by admiring exclamations as the darkness in front of the windows lifts and they are greeted by the sight of shiny skyscrapers, tall buildings in weird shapes and colorful cars pulling through the streets as the train circles around a glistening body of water, tiny waves rippling its smooth surface.

Noel joins the others at the windows and watches the shining city roll past them, the train slowing down as it approaches the station.

He looks to his right and sees Maysilee, wide eyes and open mouth in wonder at the marvelous city in front of them, momentarily forgetting the situation they're in. Even Haymitch can't help but let his stoic, unbothered facade slip the tiniest bit.

Libbie's hand slips into his, her hurt abandoned for a moment, and for the first time since he heard his name fall from Ajax's bright orange-painted lips, Noel thinks he might actually be at peace with not making it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is from 'up in the air' by 30 seconds to mars


	6. guns hidden under our petticoats

“Oh my god, could you _please_ hold still”, Noel's stylist's squawking voice fills the cold emptiness of the white room where just a few moments ago a team of grotesque-looking, fluttering Capitol people was poking and prodding him, scrubbing his skin raw and pink, all in an effort to make him presentable for the cameras.

“It's scratchy”, he talks back and puts his fingers into his collar to prevent the rough material from chafing his skin, not even caring if he comes across as rude. He tried to be civil with her, he really did, but at some point in the last thirty minutes she must have gotten under his skin.

Lilith, as she introduced herself to him, is one of the most irritating, arrogant, flippant people he has ever met. He would take Daphne's annoying affectation or Aelius' empty eyes over this woman's constant chatter any day of the week.

As she told him at great length, even though he doesn't remember asking, Lilith is not a regular stylist at the Hunger Games. Instead, she is a stand-in that has been brought in this year because there is extra ground to cover with four tributes per district instead of two.

Apparently, usually being a stylist for a small list of mediocre TV shows and unknown celebrities, she's hoping for this job to push her career forward, maybe even becoming a regular in the Hunger Games and some day hopefully being promoted to one of the better Districts, like 1 or 2.

That alone would be enough reason for Noel not to like her, seeing nothing more in making over children for their death than a new job opportunity.

But on top of that she is continuously getting on his nerves about what flaws and faults she can find in him. His hair is too thick and unkempt, his eyes are too small, his lashes too sparse, his finger nails too brittle, he's too short, he's not cooperative.

At the end of their session, after maybe another thirty minutes of excruciating jabbering and digs at him, he feels ready to close his fingers around her tattooed neck and simply squeeze. Just as he decides that whatever punishment the Capitol decides to throw at him for that can't be worse than spending another second in this shimmering peacock's presence, she claps her hands and squeals excitedly.

“Done!”, she exclaims as she puts her skinny fingers that are covered in the same red and gold entwined tattoos as her neck on his shoulders and turns him around, so that he faces the huge mirror that he wasn't allowed to look at until now.

He wasn't really expecting anything fantastic, the only Districts that normally get relatively flattering chariot costumes are the lower numbers anyway. But what he sees in the mirror in front of him fails his already low expectations so astonishingly that he feels like it must be a joke. There is no way Lilith has designed this crap and expects it to launch her career as a Hunger Games stylist.

He barely recognizes himself in the mirror, his face caked with a thick black, slimy layer of... something that is apparently supposed to be coal dust. A sack-like gray jumpsuit hangs off his wiry frame, just as dirty as his face, topped off with an ill-fitting, piss-yellow miner's helmet on his head, flickering headlamp and all.

He turns to Lilith, an incredulous look on his face. The delighted, beaming expression on her face lets him know that it doesn't seem to be a joke at all. In fact, she looks like the happiest person he's ever seen.

“Oh. My. God”, she bursts out, enunciating every single word in her agonizing Capitol accent. “I don't wanna sound conceited, but I don't think I've ever seen something that exudes this kind of... rawness, this realness!”

She circles him and he feels his cheeks burning. For some reason, he feels more embarrassed when she looks at him like this than when she saw him stark naked only a few moments ago.

He tries to tune out Lilith continuing to rave about her own creation like it is worthy of being put into a museum for at least another twenty minutes, but it barely works. When she finally accompanies him into the elevator that takes them to the bottom floor of the Remake Center, he feels like he is on his last legs.

The elevator doors open into a sort of stable and the stench of stale air, anxious animals and human sweat hits them in the face. Lilith wrinkles her nose and starts to loudly complain about the conditions that they have to work in while she pulls Noel to the District 12 chariot.

For once, he is actually glad for her company, because he would probably get horribly lost in-between all these horse legs and human legs and people rushing around like panicked chickens. Still, he doesn't think he's ever been this happy to see Haymitch's face when they get to their chariot, dressed in a similar coal miner's outfit and looking pissed as usual.

It seems like this is the same stable that is used for the Hunger Games every year, but apparently no one bothered to adjust it for having twice the amount of tributes and bigger chariots that can fit four instead of two people.

Immediately, it is clear that there is just not enough room. People are tripping over each other and the horses, that usually look so calm and well-trained on TV, seem to be getting nervous, so that trainers have to be brought in, which reduces the available space even more.

Maysilee and Libbie finally arrive together with their stylists, both of them in the familiar unflattering miner's outfits and they are loaded into their chariot in the order that they were reaped in, which means that Noel and Libbie are next to each other in the middle. Without hesitation, Libbie reaches for his sweaty hand and squeezes it.

“Just breathe”, he hears her whisper and as he looks over to her, she's smiling at him reassuringly.

“Seriously, you are white as a ghost.” She sounds genuinely concerned that he is going to pass out and he almost laughs because of how hysterical their situation is.

Here they are, clad in the most ridiculous outfits he's ever laid eyes upon, surrounded by teenagers that they will have to fight to the death in a few days, and his little sister is comforting him, when it should be the other way around. He doesn't really trust his voice at the moment, so he just squeezes her hand gratefully.

He is very relieved when they hear the opening chords of the music that signals the start of the ceremony and the giant doors at the far end of the stable slide open for the chariots to pull out into the street.

First up is District 1, and of course their elaborate outfits make District 12 look like generic clumps of dirt. District 1 produces luxury goods, so their tributes are each dressed head-to-toe in a different rhinestone: There's a a green emerald, a white diamond, a blue sapphire and a black opal. The tributes look tall and strong and confident and whatever tiny spark of confidence Noel had left, that his prep team hadn't scrubbed off completely, immediately shrinks into nothing.

Next is District 2, masonry. Their tributes are dressed monochromatically in a heavy gray fabric adorned with huge flowers on their shoulders and down the front of their outfits that look like they have been sculpted from stone.

A sudden movement catches Noel's eye. It's the blonde boy with the sparkling eyes from District 4, who apparently didn't get into his chariot until now when he jumped up on the wagon and is now squeezing past his fellow tributes to get to his assigned place. It looks like he's being scolded by his stylist, but he just laughs and waves it off.

The District 4 tributes are dressed in tight scaled bodysuits that shimmer golden and green when the light hits them, with golden fishnets draped around them, elaborate headdresses made out of seashells perched on their heads. Noel can't help but notice that the tight suit really accentuates the boy's thigh muscles.

Once more, he mentally curses at the fact that out of all the amazingly talented stylists at the Hunger Games, his had to be... well, Lilith.

All of a sudden, the District 4 boy looks up as if he felt himself being watched and meets Noel's eye. Noel feels the blood rush to his cheeks at being caught staring and quickly looks away, but not before he sees the other boy smirk and actually wink at him. What an arrogant asshole.

As the District 11 chariot pulls out, the tributes dressed in generic farmer costumes, Noel registers their stylists yelling last instructions at them for how to conduct themselves, but he doesn't actually understand anything over the sounds of the music and the blood rushing in his ears.

And then, their chariot starts to move and suddenly the massive doors are behind them and they are out on the street.

Noel thought that no one was going to pay them much attention, having already seen 44 tributes before them, but he couldn't have been more wrong. The sound of the cheering crowd is deafening, people are throwing roses and confetti and everywhere he looks, all he sees are laughing faces and waving arms and his own face staring down at him from the huge television screens that line the streets.

The twenty minutes it takes before they reach the City Circle in front of President Snow's mansion where the tributes will be officially welcomed pass in a blur. Weirdly, Noel finds himself somehow caught up in the roaring atmosphere, a huge smile creeps onto his face and he actually starts to wave back at the audience, almost subconsciously.

When he looks over at the others, he can see that it's pretty much the same for them. Even stoic Haymitch can't seem to escape the moment, an actual smile on his lips, high on all the attention and praise they are receiving.

When they arrive at the Circle, the chariots pull up in two rows in front of the mansion, because they are wider than usual and wouldn't fit into one row. Noel finds himself continuously looking over at the District 4 boy whose chariot is stopped diagonally across from his, a few places down the line in the front row, instead of focusing on the speech President Snow is giving. He doesn't know why, and it irritates him.

He realizes that for some reason he is hoping to catch the other boy's eye again, and maybe see him smile again. Instead, at one point the other male tribute for District 4, a skinny but strong looking boy whose face reminds Noel of a rat, looks over and sneers at him when he catches him watching them.

Noel averts his eyes, cheeks burning once again, scolding himself for making a fool of himself twice in the span of half an hour. He doesn't look over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry, i know you had to wait a little longer than usual, but i kind of hit a writer's block last week and then i typed all of this just now in a sudden burst of inspiration and uploaded it without proofreading hehe x)
> 
> also, i know it's going pretty slow right now but the next chapter will have the first /real/ interaction between cody and noel, i promise! (but the tag 'slow burn' is pretty accurate still, oops)
> 
> the title is from 'chocolate' by the 1975


	7. i never watch the stars, there's so much down here

Noel is woken up by the first hesitant rays of sunlight of the day creeping through the windows, warm on his face. When he opens his eyes, he's disoriented for a moment, not knowing how to place the unfamiliar white furniture and the sleek wood paneling on the walls.

His eyes fall on the softly breathing body next to him and when he looks into the still sleeping face of his little sister, everything rushes back to him. The Reaping. Their names being called. He's going to die. Right.

Quietly, he gets out of bed, careful not to wake up Libbie. She looks so peaceful, lying on her stomach with her head turned to the side, her dark curls spread out on the pillow, snoring lightly. It's almost impossible to imagine her harming a fly, much less having to fight other teenagers to the death.

After a very eventful shower that involves way too many different buttons and not enough instructions, he discovers that outfits have been laid out for Libbie and him on top of the dresser. Someone must have noticed that she snuck into his room again last night. He's relieved that it doesn't seem to be prohibited to sleep in another tribute's room. The last thing they need right now is some sort of punishment for illegal activities.

Reluctantly, he unfolds the outfits to find out which one is his, expecting the worst after the chariot fiasco yesterday, but they're surprisingly simple. The bigger one only consists of black pants and a long-sleeved dark green shirt made from a stretchy material. The smaller outfit is pretty much the same, only that the shirt seems to be made from a more flowy material and is light blue instead of green.

There are also two pairs of shoes, both practical leather shoes made for moving in them. Today is the first day of training, Noel remembers.

He's suddenly glad that apparently their stylists haven't been given the freedom to just dress them in whatever the hell they want for the training. He _really_ didn't want to face the other tributes in whatever Lilith would be able to conjure up. He's already going to make a fool of himself, at least he can do it decently dressed now.

He quickly gets dressed and makes his way out of his room and to the dining area, Libbie still snoring peacefully. There are no clocks anywhere to indicate the time, but it seems to be pretty early, since no one except for the Capitol servants seems to be up yet.

Cautiously, he approaches the table on the side that is filled with more exquisite food, not taking his eyes off the servants to make sure it's okay for him to just take what he wants. If he is being honest, they kind of creep him out. They're everywhere, but always just standing in the background, eyes on the ground, silent. He doesn't think he has ever heard one speak.

They seem to be fine with him taking the food, so he loads up his plate with every delicacy imaginable. When he has worked his way halfway through and is already feeling like he is going to burst, Daphne comes into the room, outfit, hair and make-up a grating pink today that gives Noel a headache just looking at it.

She takes a single bread roll from the table and asks him to come with her into the TV room where they all watched the recap of the chariot rides last night. A little confused, he follows her, his plate carefully held in front of him.

“So”, Daphne starts when they are sitting on the couch, the room big and empty now without the small crowd of people filling it up yesterday.

“I want to discuss strategy.” Her pink contact lenses fixate him while she takes a tiny bite of her bread roll. “We have a little bit of time before we have to drop you off at the Gym for training, so let's talk about what you're going to do.”

Quickly, it becomes apparent, that Noel is not the ideal Hunger Games tribute. He doesn't have any special skills, no secret talents with a sword, an ax, a knife, a bow. He can't run fast, he can't climb and his stamina isn't looking too good either.

Daphne asks him if there was anything he did back home that would differentiate him from the average eighteen-year-old living in District 12, anything they could use.

He racks his brain, but the only thing he can think of is that he used to help his neighbors by fixing basic things like a broken chair or a bust pipe for money sometimes, but he doesn't really know how that would come in handy in the arena. It's not like there's going to be a death trap where he will have to assemble a table as fast as possible.

Daphne tells him it's smarter to focus on the survival stations during the training, at least for now, because he's not going to master knife-throwing or sword-fighting in three days and people often underestimate the importance of the survival stations.

Noel frowns. “I don't care if I embarrass myself at one of the other stations”, he retorts, “I want to know actually useful stuff. I'm not going to save Libbie from a Career by knowing what bugs she can eat.”

She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes for a moment, like trying to calm herself down, seemingly getting a little fed up with him. “I don't actually care what you do”, she says coolly, “if you want to die eating some poison berries, that's fine by me. Just do what you want, I'm just trying to help.”

Furiously, he gets up. It seems that he has misjudged Daphne's character, how could he ever think she was actually going to help them? She's grown up coddled and pampered in the Capitol, of course she doesn't know what she's talking about.

“Fine”, he snarls at her and stomps out of the room, back to the dining area. “Send Libbie in, hopefully she'll be easier to work with!”, he hears her call out before he slams the door shut behind him.

After everyone is done with their coaching, they set off to the gymnasium, Ajax accompanying them into the elevator, while Aelius and Daphne stay behind. Daphne pointedly doesn't look at Noel when she and Aelius wish them all the best of luck. Haymitch seems to notice it and looks back and forth between them, curiosity apparent on his face, but thankfully he doesn't say anything.

The elevator ride is silent, the atmosphere tense. When the doors slide open, Haymitch whispers in Noel's ear, “Nice leggings, grain-boy.” Taken aback, Noel looks back at him, but smirks when he sees the mischievous glint in the other boy's eyes.

“That color really brings out your eyes, Abernathy”, he hisses back, referring to the hideous bright orange shirt Haymitch's stylist has decided to put him in for today. Once more, he's happy for the unremarkable color of his outfit, even if his pants are a little tight.

Ajax shushes them, visibly annoyed, but Maysilee stifles a giggle behind her hand. Noel winks at Libbie, and she grins, slipping her hand into his again.

When they enter the Gym, a Capitol servant pins fabric squares with the number _12_ on them to their backs and Ajax instructs them to join the circle of tributes that's beginning to form in the middle of the Gym.

Immediately, Noel notices that the boy from District 4 is already there, but he makes a point not to look at him after that. He doesn't know why this guy seems to be so magnetic for Noel's eyes, but it's getting ridiculous.

When all of the tributes have arrived, a muscular man who introduces himself as Lito explains the stations to them. Noel is a little overwhelmed by the sheer number, and thinks that it will probably be impossible to try out every single one.

After Lito is done, most of the tributes make their way over to a station, only some remain in the circle, looking just as confused as Noel feels. The boy from District 4 immediately takes off to the camouflage station, Noel notices. Interesting.

He looks over at Libbie, who looks a little panicked, and assures her that he's going to stick with her. They decide not to try out the weapons immediately because for the moment, the Careers seem to be hogging them, apparently wanting to intimidate everyone right off the bat by showcasing their talents.

Noel and Libbie try their hands at the traps, where Noel surprisingly does quite well. The trainer at this station tells them how important traps are for getting food, especially if they're not experienced in hunting with weapons.

Begrudgingly, he makes a mental note to apologize to Daphne later. It seems like she was right after all, and what good will it do if his mentor hates him?

They try their hands at a couple of different survival stations, Noel almost unconsciously keeping tabs on the boy from District 4. He spends quite a lot of time at the camouflage station, before he moves on to the one about starting a fire. Noel notes that he seems to be keeping his distance from the other Careers, which puzzles him.

About an hour passes, and Noel is thankful that they didn't go to the weapons first. The Careers are still there, and when the scrawny boy from District 11 fails miserably at trying to shoot an arrow at a target a few yards away, he sees them laughing at him nastily.

He told Daphne he didn't care if he embarrassed himself, but he doesn't need people to make fun of him for that either.

They're at the knot-tying station right now, and Noel is struggling with one specific knot that just doesn't seem to work out, no matter how closely he follows the instructions on the screen in front of him. The trainer at this station is occupied on the other side with a little girl from District 8.

“You need to put one end of your rope over the loop before you pull it through in the last step, otherwise it will slide off”, a voice comes from above him suddenly, startling Noel.

He looks up and directly into the eyes of the boy from District 4 who is standing in front of him, a crooked smile on his face and his hands stretched out in front of him, palms up, like he wants to take the rope out of Noel's hands.

His smile falters a little when Noel doesn't respond, still staring up at him like a deer in the headlights. “Sorry, I didn't wanna scare you”, he says sheepishly and pulls his hands back.

“I just came over here and I saw that you were struggling...”

He doesn't seem to know how to react when Noel keeps silent. “Uhm... I'm Cody, by the way. District 4.”

Noel wills himself to open his mouth and say something, do _something_ that's not just dumbly staring up at the guy... at Cody, like he has three heads and one eye.

He clears his throat. “Uh, sorry, uhm... I'm Noel. District 12.” He glances down at his hands, frozen in place with the knot halfway done. “Uh, what were you saying?”

He's vaguely aware of Libbie's confused stare from where she's sitting with her own rope, but he doesn't acknowledge her.

“Here, you need to...” Cody crouches down and gingerly takes the rope from his hands. With a few skilled movements, he loops it into the exact shape of the picture in front of Noel and hands it back to him.

“It's called the Perfection Loop”, Cody explains, “we learn it in District 4 in elementary school basically, because it's one of the basic fishing knots.”

Noel narrows his eyes, not knowing if he is bragging or making fun of him for not knowing how to do the knot. He does seem to be pretty arrogant.

“Do you want me to show you?”, Cody asks and Noel nods hesitantly. He doesn't know where to place this. Surely, someone from District 4 wouldn't want to be allies with someone from District 12, right? Maybe he just wants to show off? Or is he trying to sabotage Noel?

Cody shows him a few other knots that he was struggling with after they're done with the Perfection Loop, Libbie scooting over to watch as well. He is easy to talk to, constantly making jokes and laughing a lot. Libbie seems to like him, but Noel stays wary. He knows that even if this boy happens to have good intentions, that won't matter in the slightest when they're in the arena and fighting for their lives.

After about twenty minutes, Cody says goodbye and makes his way over to the ax station, the first station with actual weapons that Noel has seen him go to. Noel shakes his head lightly. He just can't make sense of this interaction.

“He was nice, right, Noel?”, Libbie asks, but Noel doesn't answer, still watching the ax station. He wants to know if the reason the guy keeps away from the Careers is because he's just not as good.

He sees Cody pick up an ax, one of the heavier ones. The trainer looks skeptical when he sees the size of the weapon, but Cody hurls it directly at the target without any hesitation, where it stays stuck right in the middle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think this is my longest chapter yet, i don't know how that happened... i swear, this was literally only five bullet points on my plot outline, i guess i got carried away lmao
> 
> (and yes i absolutely looked up fishing knots so i wouldn't embarrass myself with this ok)
> 
> also, i really suck at proofreading my own stuff, so i'm sorry if there are any mistakes in this.
> 
> chapter title is from 'yellow flicker beat' by lorde - i couldn't really find something that fit this chapter well, so i might change the title in the future, i don't know


	8. some nights i wish that my lips could build a castle

“Noel?”

He looks up at the voice calling his name, interrupting his brooding train of thought that was somewhere in between wondering how it would feel to cut someone's head off and if he will have to do it in the span of the next couple days and remembering Cody's thighs in the tight scaly costume of the Chariot rides.

Maysilee's bright blue eyes meet his, a question apparent in them. He racks his brain for any recollection of the conversation that has just taken place, hoping for some indication of what she wants from him, but he comes up empty-handed.

“Sorry, what?”

He feels almost guilty when he sees her expression wilt a little. He reluctantly let Libbie pull him along to the lunch table that Maysilee and Haymitch were sitting at, not looking forward to a lunch filled with mindless chatter, and zoned out as soon as Maysilee predictably started rattling on about her training day.

“I was just wondering if you wanted to tell us about how your day at training went? Did you feel like it was just like on TV? I always thought the training hall was so much smaller from the footage we saw, but it's _huge_ , right? But how did it go?”

She forces a smile, her eyes a little panicky, and Noel realizes the bubbly, talkative girl that is difficult to reconcile with the girl that cried the entire train ride and didn't say a single word to him before today is just that – a character. They all seem to have found different ways to cope with the ridiculous situation.

“Uhm”, he feels Haymitch's gaze on him and his cheeks burn. “It was alright, I guess?”

The table is silent for a few seconds, Libbie looking a bit embarrassed and Haymitch snickering into his baked rice pudding, until Libbie thankfully breaks the tense atmosphere with launching into a very detailed account of what they did in the training center.

He watches her intently as she speaks. The way she seems totally at ease around the others, sweeping gestures and big smiles accompanying her story, makes him a little worried. It doesn't seem like she is entirely aware of what's at stake here. And with the Cody guy before as well, how quick she was to trust him... He's going to have to talk to her about that.

It's something that he has always admired about his sister... Her ability to get along with people so easily and to always find some common ground with everyone.

He's always been closed off, even before their mom died. Chock's and his friendship was really more born out of circumstance than anything else, just as his semi-friendship with Haymitch, but Libbie never had any problems making friends.

And now he has to tell her to not use her greatest skill because it might get them both killed. He kind of wants to cry.

“Noel?”

His cheeks start to feel warm again when he feels three pairs of eyes on him once more, and he sheepishly looks up from his lunch that he has been taking apart on his plate.

“Huh?”

This time, Haymitch laughs for real and it's a weird sound in the cafeteria full of quiet, hushed voices and apprehensive conversations. Everyone seems wary to make actual acquaintances, except for the Careers of course, whose booming over-confident chatter sounds through the entire room.

“Wow, you're really out of it today, grain-boy. Didn't think your attention span could get any shorter, but I guess I was wrong...”

Noel makes a face at him, but secretly he is glad about the other boy's harsh jokes and retorts. It's better than the fake happy facade Maysilee has been putting on, even better than Libbie's understanding but sheepish smiles.

“Could you pass the salt, please?”, she repeats a little exasperatedly and he complies without a word. Why can't they just leave him alone to brood?

“Hey, Haymitch, I was wondering... Why do you call Noel grain-boy?”, Maysilee asks, and for the first time she sounds genuinely curious.

Haymitch seems startled that she addressed him at all and hesitates for a second before gesturing over to Noel, who takes a deep breath. He is no stranger to questions like this, his last name is always a source of surprise for people, considering how uncommon it is in District 12.

He clears his throat. “It's because of my last name”, he explains, “Haymitch is very inventive as you can see.”

“Right, I've never actually thought about it... Why is your name Miller anyways?”, Maysilee follows up and as the familiar words form in his head, Noel almost feels like he's at school again and someone else is getting noisy about his family history.

“Uhm... My family is from District 9 originally”, he mutters, not wanting anyone else to overhear. His father once told him that he has to be careful with this story. Not everyone likes to hear people talking about a time before the Capitol's powers were as all-encompassing as they are now.

“Before the Dark Days the relations between the Districts weren't as... restricted, I guess. People regularly traveled back and forth between them, I guess for work or for personal reasons.

“It's hard to imagine for us, but you could even go on a tour through the Districts in your last year of school to decide if you wanted to stay in your home District or if you wanted to go live in another one.

“Not many people did, because it was very expensive and you couldn't see your family very often, but sometimes it happened, especially with Districts that were close to each other. You can still see the effects today, for example, in District 12 there are a lot of people with District 11 surnames because 12 comes right after 11 on the train route.

“Libbie's and my great-great-grandmother or something went on one of those trips where people from a couple of different Districts would be given a tour through the District they were visiting.

“Usually there weren't many available spots per District and everyone from different Districts would be grouped together, which was also how you could meet people from other Districts. In her group there were a couple of people from 12, including a miner's son who would become my great-great-grandfather.

“They fell in love over the course of the tour and afterwards tried to visit each other as much as they could, which wasn't easy because train rides were very expensive and they also had to keep it a secret from her family, who was very wealthy and didn't want her to be involved with someone from a poor mining family.

“Eventually, they had saved up enough money in secrecy to buy a small house in District 12 together and against the will of her family, my great-great-grandmother moved there. They got married with a traditional District 12 wedding and he took her last name, because that is the custom in District 9 and they wanted to honor traditions from both their home Districts.”

He looks up from his fidgeting fingers and half expects the doors across the room to open and spit out a mob of Peacemakers to arrest him, but of course that's stupid. He has told this story many times before, he's just getting paranoid because of his father's note. And besides, he was only telling a true story, why would the Capitol punish him for that?

Maysilee's face has assumed an enraptured look, her eyes a little glazed over. “Oh wow”, she sighs, “that's so romantic! I wish someone would fall in love with me and move to an entirely different District for me...”

She cuts herself off and looks down, biting her lip, her face red under her blonde hair, probably realizing that the chance of that happening in the future is pretty slim. The chance of _any_ of them surviving this to have someone fall in love with them is pretty slim, actually.

The awkward atmosphere at their table is interrupted by an announcement coming through invisible speakers, instructing them to return to the training room. Noel stands up quickly, grateful to escape the tightrope walk that this conversation has been, always on the edge of someone saying something to remind them that they're probably all going to be dead soon.

The rest of the day crawls by sluggishly, his brain occupied by a million different things that make it difficult to focus on learning how to camouflage your arm as a tree or how to skin and gut a squirrel. He tries his best to seem like he's paying attention, but he's sure Libbie notices he's a little out of it, even though she doesn't say anything about it.

For some reason, he can't get the story about his great-great-grandmother out of his head. He has told it a million times before, after a teacher asked him about his name the first day of school and he eagerly listened as his father told it to him for the first time, but he doesn't think he's ever actually _thought_ about it before.

He tries to imagine being in his great-great-grandmother's shoes, falling in love with someone his family doesn't approve of, and working restlessly to be together with them against all odds. Even moving to a different District, which of course wouldn't be possible now.

He can't. To be fair, his great-great-grandmother probably didn't have four smaller siblings she had to take care of and also didn't have the constant worry of the Hunger Games hanging over her head.

It's hard to wrap his head around the idea of even considering some form of romantic love when the world he's living in is designed to make that basically impossible. And it's not like he's going to have a future where that could become an actual option anyways.

The thought of having someone else in addition to his family to worry about on Reaping Day, someone to provide for, someone to protect makes him recoil internally. He couldn't even imagine bringing children into this hostile world.

If he has learned one thing in his eighteen-year-old life, it's that loving someone only opens people up to get hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> argh i'm so sorry that i didn't update for so long but there's just a lot going on right now with university and research papers and work and i just didn't find the time or the inspiration to write something.
> 
> i know there isn't really a lot that happens in this chapter and I PROMISE i will have cody more in the story in following chapters but this story just keeps getting away from me. this was one bullet point in my plot outline! one! and it turned into an entire 1.5k chapter! i honestly have no idea how this keeps happening.
> 
> n e ways i will try to keep up with my previous update schedule again, i've really missed working on this fic and i have a ton of inspiration right now, so i hope you'll continue following this!
> 
> title is from 'some nights' by fun.


	9. because the world is cruel and promises are broken

Out of the corner of his right eye Noel can see the huge ginger-haired District 1 boy, Marble as he learned after the chariot rides, demolish a dummy with his sword. Down to his left the well-toned blonde girl from District 2 has been hitting her target at the archery station in the same spot for twenty shots in a row. The metallic ends of the arrows are sticking out of the bullseye like a flower bouquet in a neat, closely spaced circle.

He blinks away the sweat dripping into his eyes as he adjusts his grip on the rope over his head. His arms are burning, feet dangling in empty air, the sturdy cord that feels more like steel than actual rope is cutting into his already sore fingers and he is pretty sure he hears a couple of vicious snickers from beneath him.

It's day two and most of the Careers seem to have grown tired of showing off their various skills and instead proceeded to watch and make fun of the other tributes trying their hands at the more difficult stations.

Why exactly did he think the rope course was a good idea again for someone who doesn't like heights and also has the upper body strength of a five-year-old?

He almost throws all dignity out the window and falls to his knees to kiss the floor under them when he is finally done with the course and on firm ground again, but he restrains himself.

Even though his arms feel like they doubled in length and his right shoulder feels definitely dislocated, he does his best to stalk over to his sister, standing against a rack of huge longswords with a skeptical look in her eyes. Marble from District 1, the two girls from District 2 and a boy with chestnut skin that Noel believes to be from District 6 have gathered off to the side and are surveying him, giggling.

“That was terrible”, Libbie's encouraging words greet him when he reaches her. “If you wanted to show everyone how horrible you are at climbing things, you definitely succeeded.”

For some reason, her deadpan expression and her harsh words don't bother him the way they would have if she had said them at home, at least it's some semblance of normality. He playfully shoves her shoulder and she grins at him.

Although his recent blunder might suggest otherwise, he wouldn't consider today a total failure, at least so far. Since the Careers aren't hogging the stations anymore, they actually got to try out some of the weapons, and despite every single trainer telling them it's impossible to learn how to handle a weapon in a day, Libbie has proven pretty skilled at knife-throwing and Noel is surprisingly decent with a spear and a slingshot.

The rope course was his idea, admittedly not his proudest moment. Perhaps the momentary success got to his head.

“Oh look”, Libbie exclaims, “it's Cody! Why don't we go there?”

Noel's eyes follow her outstretched arm to the fish-hook station several yards away where the boy is standing, completely absorbed in tying a piece of string around a shard of glass. For a second he lets himself imagine going over there and saying hello, Cody turning around with that beaming smile on his face that seems so out of place in the depressing, gray gymnasium...

He quickly shakes his head as if to chase the thought away, and slips his hand out of Libbie's grip that's tugging him along.

“I don't think that's a good idea”, he objects.

Libbie's face falls. “Why not? He was so nice yesterday, I'm sure he wouldn't mind...”

He sighs. “Look... I don't think it has... sunk in completely. Where we are. No one in here is our friend, okay? I know they're nice now, but not even Haymitch and Maysilee are our friends. They are going to turn on us when they have to, and so will everyone else.”

She presses her lips together, crosses her arms and starts to turn away, but he grips her shoulders, forces her to listen to him.

“No, listen to me. You and I, we can't trust _anybody_ here. Not Cody, not Maysilee, not even Daphne. We can only trust each other, do you understand?”

She gives him a deprecatory look, a little annoyed, and for a second he just wants his little sister back. Who is this girl, almost a young woman, with that cold, calculating expression on her face?

“I mean, it's not like you really trust me either”, she snaps.

“The separate coaching doesn't have anything to do with you! I would've told you beforehand but it's not like we really had any time to ourselves, I just thought we should we shouldn't get distracted and focus on our own training, okay?”

Libbie's eyes are still skeptic, but she uncrosses her arms and doesn't resist when Noel pulls her along to the archery station where the District 2 blonde finally seems to have had enough of showing off.

The day crawls along sluggishly as they try out some more weapons, staying away from things that require muscle, like hand-to-hand combat and ax-throwing. Noel has definitely learned his lesson.

Even though he just told Libbie not to trust him, it seems as if there's an invisible exclamation mark over Cody's head, alerting Noel to his position at all times. No matter where they go and what they do, he seems almost tethered to the other boy, always being aware of him in some small area of his brain.

_Strategic_ , he tells himself,  _know your enemy better than your friends._

The concept of Cody as their enemy becomes more and more tangible, considering he seems to be great at, well... everything. Sword-fighting, rope-climbing, knife-throwing. Even at the survival stations he seems do be doing swimmingly.

Noel feels a weird kind of resentment bubbling up in his stomach as he sees Cody throw down the Capitol assistant he's fighting with at the hand-to-hand combat station with ease. On the sidelines, Marble and the District 2 blonde watch with interest.

Noel isn't sure if his resentment is directed at Cody for being disgustingly amazing at everything or at the Careers for obviously wanting to have him in their alliance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahahaha what's up,, not me disappearing again for like 2 months,,
> 
> i'm really sorry, i don't really have any excuses... i've discovered that i work really well under pressure when it comes to uni stuff but not at all when it comes to getting the creative juices flowing, so i won't even promise to stick to a weekly upload schedule because i know it won't work. maybe the next chapter will come in two months again, maybe next week, who knows. btw thank you so much for all the comments, they really get me going! especially @livealittlelonger, you've been commenting on every chapter so far like a champ and i just wanted to let you know that i really appreciate it!
> 
> title is from 'some kind of stranger' by sisters of mercy (yes i'm re-using the title of one of my old fics because it's a goddamn good title ok)


	10. at the edge of the blackness

Noel looks over to Cody again, probably for the tenth time since they've sat down for their lunch. The other boy is sitting alone at a table across the room with one of the District 4 girls that were laughing at Noel's climbing skills, he remembers her name as something similar to Selina, Sirena maybe?

Okay, his obsession with this guy is definitely reaching a very creepy level. He forces himself to look away, accidentally meeting Libbie's gaze who's watching him out of narrowed eyes. He feels the blood rush to his cheeks and forces a smile, hoping she hasn't been watching him for too long.

Their lunch table is quieter today, Maysilee tries to break the ice occasionally but Noel can tell that she pretty much exhausted her bubbly persona yesterday and there's not really much to talk about. They spend the whole meal once again floating in a precarious sense of limbo that can only be achieved when a group of people like each other but know that they will have to kill everyone at the table in less than a week and desperately try _not to talk about it._

Involuntarily, Noel's gaze wanders over to Cody's table again, and he is surprised to see Marble and the District 2 blonde, Alexis as he learned from Libbie who seems to be much better at remembering names than him, towering over Cody's table. Sirena seems to try her best to stay out of the situation, the look on her freckled face weirdly sheepish.

Noel strains his ears but even though the noise in the cafeteria still largely consists of whispers and murmured conversations he can't make out what they're saying. Cody crosses his arms and shakes his head while he answers, the strain in his jaw apparent even over the distance.

The two Careers are standing with their backs turned in Noel's direction, so he can't see their reactions to whatever Cody told them, but it becomes apparent that they are not happy about it when Marble clenches his fists and Alexis struggles to pull him away from the table.

The cafeteria has become eerily quiet and Noel can see the Peacekeepers manning the doors perk up. He looks over to the Career table where most of them are observing the situation, tense but confused as to what's happening. A couple of them actually look excited, as if they are eager for an altercation.

Marble huffs something unintelligible and Alexis finally manages to tug him along, the whole cafeteria visibly relaxing when it's clear that there's not going to be a fight.

“I wonder what that was about”, Noel registers Maysilee say but his attention is still on Cody. He snaps at Sirena who shrinks into herself before he lifts his tray off the table and looks around for a moment as if searching for someone.

A smile forms on his face when he meets Noel's eye and he starts walking... directly towards their table.

Noel hastily averts his gaze and feels his cheeks burn, sure that his face is the exact same color of the tomato sauce on his pasta. He's gonna get problems with his blood pressure soon if being in the Capitol makes him embarrass himself like that.

Pretending that there is nothing more interesting in the world right now than picking apart a noodle with his fork, Noel pointedly keeps his eyes fixed on the table, even as Cody's legs enter his peripheral vision and he's vaguely aware that everyone at the table has stopped eating.

A hesitant “It was Noel, right?” finally makes him look up and there's Cody, so close that Noel could touch his waist if he just stretched out his arm a little.

His hair is a little tousled and he looks flushed, his hands gripping an almost empty tray, but his smile is nevertheless bright and honest and Noel has to fight the urge to smile back at him. _Enemies_ , he reminds himself mentally.

“Uh, yeah”, he stammers like an idiot, “yeah, that's me.”

“Could I sit here?”

For a second, no one says anything. Libbie looks slightly confused, Maysilee is staring at Cody like he is a celebrity, her jaw on the floor, and Haymitch pulls his brows together in bemusement.

Thankfully, Libbie breaks the silence and cheerily welcomes him at the table. Haymitch and Noel scoot over so Cody can sit on the bench and now he's sitting next to him and Noel thinks he's gonna explode. The hairs on his arms stand up and he's painfully aware of the other boy sitting next to him, only a couple inches between them, in a way that's very different from being aware of Haymitch sitting on his other side.

While Cody being there is slightly awkward for a couple of minutes and him and Libbie are the only ones lightheartedly chatting away, his open demeanor and sincere interest in talking to everyone quickly makes them warm up to him as well and soon the atmosphere is arguably less tense than before Cody came to the table.

Even Haymitch joins in on a joke or two, which makes Noel the only one who mostly keeps silent. He watches Cody carefully out of the corner of his eye and worriedly glances at Libbie now and again who seems to enjoy having an actual, easy-going conversation for once.

Now and then, she looks back at Noel and he tries to telepathically caution her, but she doesn't show a reaction. Especially when Cody tells them that Marble and Alexis came to his table to ask him to join the Careers and Sirena had only been friendly to him to get him to agree, Noel throws Libbie a meaningful glance and she actually rolls his eyes at him.

The worst part is, he knows he's being annoying and irrational. Libbie is a far cry from stupid and he's sure she hasn't forgotten what he told her a few hours ago. He's also aware that she is just as much a part of this as he is and he doesn't need to baby her and tell her what to do every single second, but it's hard to let go. She's his little sister after all and he spent his whole life looking after her. It's hard to ignore that urge to protect her.

When the tributes are back in the gymnasium and their little lunch table group has dispersed, Noel pulls Libbie into a corner by the trident station where nobody is training at the moment. He has barely opened his mouth when she throws him an icy look, yanks her arm free of his grip and snaps “I _know_ I can't 'trust anyone', okay? I'm not forgetting where we are and what's at stake, I was just making conversation. Jesus, get over yourself.”

His mouth closes and opens again involuntarily, like a fish on land, and she just leaves him standing next to the giant rack of differently shaped tridents, stalking over to the deserted edible insects station, the bored-looking trainer greeting her enthusiastically.

Noel is completely dumbfounded. Libbie has never talked to him that way and while he can understand her reaction on some level, he also kind of feels like he wants to cry.

Actual tears prickle at the back of his eyes and he quickly looks around to see if anyone witnessed their exchange. Naturally, Cody is standing a few yards away, watching him, curious, a little concerned. Noel shoots him a hostile look and he turns away, looking almost sad.

_Enemies._

He and Libbie ignore each other for the rest of the day and for the first time since the Reaping she doesn't come tiptoeing into his room after dark. He lies awake the better part of the night, alone, tossing and turning, unable to stop thinking of blonde hair, green eyes and his father pushing a wadded note into his sweaty hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i knowwww, a new chapter for this in a week? incredible
> 
> title is from 'madness' by sleeping with sirens


	11. they say it's pushing a stone up a hill to let it roll

Whatever silent warfare Libbie had going on against Noel yesterday thankfully seems to be forgotten in the morning. He is so relieved when they are entering the Gym for the third and final training day and Libbie sticks with him that he almost apologizes to her but he doesn't. It's not like he was wrong.

But even though Libbie willingly follows him to whatever station he wants and doesn't complain, she doesn't talk much either. She answers when he asks her something, but otherwise he's pretty much still getting ignored and over the course of the day a cold hard knot begins to form in his gut that doesn't want to come loose again. Just when working as a team has become the most important thing in their lives, they seem farther apart than ever before.

Today, they try out some more basic survival skills like fire-making and building a shelter from the rain. They pretty much tried out most of the weapons yesterday and Daphne was right, a person cannot learn a difficult skill like ax-throwing in a day. They know what they're good at and now they have to focus on surviving.

He knows the chance of that happening is close to zero, but Noel is kind of hoping to just stick out for as long as possible, stay clear of the other tributes and make Libbie win simply by default. Although he will definitely do it if he has to, he really doesn't want to kill anyone. He will just have to eat some poison berries or something when it's down to the two of them.

Just like the last two days, there seems to an internal GPS system built into Noel's head, because no matter what, he is always acutely aware of Cody's position in the room. On more than one occasion, he catches the other boy looking at him, always quickly averting his gaze whenever Noel meets his eyes.

Between the confusing staring contest he has going on with Cody, Libbie not speaking to him and the survival stations slowly but surely boring him to death, Noel is growing increasingly agitated and by the time lunch rolls around he is so frustrated that it takes a lot out of him not to snap at Maysilee when she accidentally spills her drink over his crotch.

At lunch, the tributes start to be called into the Gym one by one for their private sessions and suddenly it hits Noel like a ton of bricks that he hasn't given a single thought to what he is going to do for his own session, too busy being in his own head the entire day.

He remembers what Daphne told him this morning during their usual training talk: “I know I told you to stick to the survival stations, but during your private session it's essential that you demonstrate an actual way of killing someone. Survival is important for you, but the Gamemakers want to see that you can also make some good TV, alright?”

 _What a joke_ , he thinks darkly to himself. As if he could ever have an actual chance against someone like Marble or Alexis.

Since they are apparently being called in in reverse order of the Reaping, Noel is next to last, which is... unfortunate, to say the least. Every session just takes a couple of minutes, but there are still 46 tributes before him, and by the time Libbie is called, his nerves are stretched so thin, he feels dangerously close to an actual breakdown. He wants to wish her luck but he feels like he is gonna throw up the second he opens his mouth, so he doesn't.

When a Peacekeeper finally sticks his head through the door and calls his name, after what feels like an eternity, he is very relieved that his knees don't immediately give out after getting up. Maysilee mumbles something that sounds like “Good luck”, her face vaguely greenish, and he gives her a shaky nod in response.

Daphne warned him this would happen, but he is still slightly baffled when he enters the Gym and none of the Gamemakers even turn in his direction. Mindless chatter is filling the room, the table in front of them full of half-eaten food and empty wine bottles, some of them actually seem to be asleep or just too drunk to keep themselves upright.

For a moment, he awkwardly hovers in the middle of the Gym, unsure if he's just supposed to start on his own or if he should wait for some sort of sign but after a sweating, red-faced man throws up into the half-empty punch bowl, he realizes no sign is coming.

He decides to stay inside of his comfort zone to make sure he doesn't embarrass himself, not that it would matter much, throwing a couple of spears and trying his best at the slingshot. He's not outstanding but he's decent, and feels actually a little proud of himself after managing to hit the slingshot target from a distance he hasn't tried before.

After about ten minutes he is escorted to the elevator by the same Peacekeeper who called his name, as far as he can tell none of the Gamemakers even noticing him leaving. Never before has something as important as this felt so pointless.

When he gets back to his floor, everyone except for Maysilee is sitting in the TV room, Daphne and Ajax softly chatting, Aelius staring off into nothing. His own discouragement is plainly reflected in Haymitch and Libbie's faces, he can't imagine that it went much more smoothly for them than it did for him.

“What did you do?”, he quietly asks Libbie after he sits down on the sofa next to her, but she just shoots him a look. “Come on, I'll tell you mine as well”, he tries to coax her, but she just mumbles, “We're not supposed to talk about it” and he reluctantly lets it go. Perhaps he deserves that. Probably her payback for him not telling her about the separate coaching.

He's still too skittish and can't stand sitting still, so he disappears into his room to uselessly pace up and down the small space until Ajax calls him to dinner. After the meal, which is once again tense and quiet, as they can't really talk about their private sessions due to their separate coaching, they go back to the TV room to watch the training scores.

There aren't many standouts, the Careers expectedly get high scores throughout, Marble being the only one who gets an Eleven. Although he tries not to pay too much attention, Noel notices that Cody got a Ten as well. Surprisingly, the mischievous looking girl from District 10, Skye as Daphne informs them, gets a Nine. Noel wonders what she did to pull the Gamemakers' attention enough to give her such a high score, especially being from a District that's up so late.

The District 12 scores are to be expected, but that doesn't make them any less disheartening: Haymitch gets a Six, Libbie a Four and Noel and Maysilee both get a Five.

Apparently the frustration is evident on their faces, because immediately their mentors try to assure them that the training scores are actually not that important, that they are only released so the tributes can get sponsors early on but that they can still make up for their scores by presenting themselves sympathetically in the interviews.  
It doesn't really make Noel feel any better.

Briefly, he feels jealousy creeping up when he realizes that at least Haymitch did something to make them give him a slightly average score, not a goddamn _Five_. The little girl from District 7 got a Five. He is _not_ a Five.

He goes to bed feeling more hopeless than ever, even though he didn't think that was even possible, trying to ignore the knot in his stomach tightening when he tosses and turns for hours and Libbie doesn't come tiptoeing into his room once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so goddamn sorry for making y'all wait for like half a year... i can assure you that i still read every single comment, even if i responded quite late, so thank you so much for those!
> 
> lockdown 2.0 really makes me circle through tons of different hyperfixations right now and unfortunately tiny meat gang and hunger games aren't really part of those anymore but i still have so many ideas for this fic and i really do plan to finish it, even though it will probably take a while at this rate.
> 
> i hope you stick it out with me, and i hope everyone stays safe and has a lovely (socially distanced) christmas, if you celebrate that!
> 
> this chapter title is from 'falling away' by big scary


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